Thoughts on a Bad Day

Sometimes, no matter what we do, us spoonies are going to have bad days. Sometimes that means a particularly terrible pain flare-up, other times that means the depression overwhelms you. Today I’m feeling a bit of everything.

My pain for the past few days has been pretty consistent: ache and spasms in joints and spine averaging around a level 3 or 4. The pain is really not terrible, but the fact that it never goes away can be exhausting. I’m also dealing with some side effects from my new medication, mainly dizziness and confusion. If I stay horizontal I can keep the dizziness down, but that severely limits what I can do today, and I had all these grand plans of cleaning and organizing before leaving to go back to school.

Days like this can be extremely frustrating. Not feeling sick enough to ‘warrant’ staying in bed, but not feeling well enough to do anything else. I managed to get dressed this morning, though I opted for clothes at the top of the ‘clean’ pile and hair haphazardly piled on top of my head with a scrunchie. I’m going to keep telling myself that messy buns are in right now and not think any more about it.

‘But being in bed all day sounds great!’ you say. ‘I would kill to have a day where I could just stay cuddled in blankets!’ Allow me to bring reality into your rose-colored view. I am not in bed today because I want to be, I’m in bed because I have to be. Today is a rare day where I actually have the motivation to get up and do the things on my to-do list, but if I try, I’m afraid my dog will find me on the floor somewhere, blacked out due to inconsistent blood flow to the brain, and confused as to why I’m not feeding her. (Isabelle is a great dog, though she’s not the most understanding when it comes to others.)

I could use this time in bed to catch up on my reading, or reply to those emails, you know, if I could actually concentrate on something long enough to be productive. I’ve been writing this short blog post for over an hour and to be honest, I have no idea where I’m going with this. I have to reread what I’ve written to keep myself on track.

I’m not writing this to gain pity or to remind able-bodied people of what they take for granted. I’m writing this for the other spoonies out there having bad days and feeling worse for it. Remember that even when your symptoms are invisible, and even when you’ve had worse days, you still need to listen to your body. Today I am very tired. As annoying as it is, this is my body telling me that I’ve done a lot the past week and now it is time to rest. Other people might see what we’re doing as ‘lazy’ or ‘unnecessary’, both words I have had medical professionals use when describing my usable hours in a day, but the fact is that no one knows your body better than you do. And no one is going to have to live with the consequences of overdoing it except you.

So keep your chin up, or not depending on dizziness levels, and remember that you are a fighter. You fight 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to continue living. And that definitely justifies rest.